A Conversation With Dr. Seussicide

Darting eyes blinded by walls of rampant white. The oppressive clinicalness beat down on Amy like the sun's blistering heat. Downtrodden and defeated, seated with exposed bareness to the mindless stares of a rabble of patients who all knew why she was there. Yet scared more by the fact she also knew why they were there, scared that this is where she belonged.

One patient sent out, another called in, all blurring into a single steady steam. A conveyor belt where one awaited their sentencing. Just because she requested the appointment doesn’t make it her decision. She finally glimpsed at the last patient to leave the Dr’s office, noticing how his blank eyes poorly matched the firmness of the grips of his hands. It was her turn to face the executioner, finally.

Dr. Seussicide: Welcome Amy, please feel free to take whichever seat you prefer! Can I get you a cup of coffee or anything? I do apologise, I would offer you a Pepsi, but I just gave away my last can to the previous patient

Amy: I’m good thanks

Dr. Seussicide: So Amy, what is it that I can help you with today?

Amy: I’m having some… troubling thoughts. I know it’s stupid, I’m doing well at school, and we just won our tennis tournament. But I just, I don’t know. I mean I’m managing it’s not a big deal but I keep thinking and thinking about it and I hate myself and I feel guilty because I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but I just can’t handle it I can’t focus in class because I’m thinking about it and everything’s slipping my grades will fall and my teachers will finally see me as a failure. I can’t do it. I mean I know I can, but I can’t because even though I try I just can’t, and then I know I’m a failure. What am I when I can’t keep up with everything anymore? There’s nothing here inside me. When my grades slip and my parents and teacher see me for who I am, I’ll be nothing.

Dr. Seussicide: Amy, I want you to know that these are very common fears for a young woman of your age. I know it’s difficult to believe when you feel so isolated in your emptiness, but you are not alone. You mentioned something about how you believe your teachers will see you; could you please tell me a bit about that?

Amy: Whenever I go to a parent-teacher meeting, they always smile and warmly greet my mum, and they always make some comment like “Amy is a fantastic student and a joy to have in the class”. I literally don’t do anything, I just sit there and do my work. Just because I’m not a loud-mouthed idiot apparently makes me a saint. But at least I know I’m good at something, you know? But on my last maths test I just.. froze up and I… I don’t know how or why but I just couldn’t think, I know she saw me just staring at my paper doing nothing. She said something nice afterwards I think but I can’t really remember it, she was probably just being nice because that’s her job, I couldn’t do my paper for no reason it’s pathetic, I don’t know, I don’t even care if they think I’m good - I mean everyone seems to think I am. But I can almost see her marking our maths papers, and nothing my slip in grade. And with a sigh of disappointment tossing my paper into the pile like she tosses away the pride she had in me, I can’t bear it, that I’ve wasted her career like this.

Dr. Seussicide: Why do you think this is how your maths teacher will see you Amy?

Amy: Because look at me! What have I done? I fail at everything outside of school, the only reason you don’t see that is because I’m smart enough to pass through lessons. But I can’t concentrate anymore and they’ll finally realise I’m incompetent.

Dr. Seussicide: Do you think most of your peers work hard outside of lessons Amy?

Amy: Probably not, but they also don’t need to. They go out with their friends and have fun or whatever, but I don’t have that. I mean technically I have friends, but that’s only so people don’t think I’m a loner. I don’t care about anything, so I have no excuses not to do well at school - what else do I have?

Dr. Seussicide: So it seems to me, and correct me if I’ve gotten anything wrong; because you see yourself as worthless, you assume other people also do. And this impacts you deeply because you lack value in other areas of your life, so academic failure feels like a confirmation of your lack of self-worth?

Amy: Yeah I guess so. I’ve never thought of it like that.

Dr. Seussicide: Well Amy, in therapy we call this ‘black and white thinking’; which is common in depressed patients because they over-emphasise the negative interpretations of an event. This makes you assume the worst, which makes you feel more worthless, which itself makes you assume people think lowly of you - can you see how this is a self-defeating circularity? I’ve seen this in a lot of bright girls who struggle like yourself, Amy. And you’ll find your teacher's view of yourself will not be permanently damaged because of a single test result.

Because Amy, your belief that your teachers will notice your slipping grades is itself a rationalisation to mask your worthlessness. Each one of your teachers has twenty or so pupils in each class, five classes a day, and at least a few years of experience. Do you think you even register within the hundreds of students they teach in an academic year, nevermind you having any lasting impact on their life?

Amy: …

Dr. Seussicide: Here’s what I see Amy: you’re a smart woman, you began to understand your own worthlessness, so you naturally constructed an ideal and a narrative to hide from your depression. But as a smart woman, you would see straight through any conveniently happy story you might tell yourself. So you began to believe academic success was important, and subsequently with the imposition on what your teachers thought, revolved all value around that. And whilst exhausting and stressful, these painful emotions gave you something to focus on.

Maybe in the back of your mind you admitted this was to keep yourself occupied until you could get on antidepressants. Because the only thing worse than disappointing your teacher is to realise that they never cared, that it doesn’t matter if you are successful, for it achieves nothing. You will still be empty because you’re broken Amy. Unfixable. You won’t get better. And you’re slowly realising this Amy, because one day you will slip up, and you’ll be left alone with your emptiness. I know the truth is scary to admit, but you’re exhausting yourself Amy - and only causing yourself pain by fabricating goals you can’t live up to, and will only make you numb even if you do accomplish them. You need to feel like you’re failing, because if you succeed then you’re right back to the problem you were attempting to escape.

Amy, I know this is extremely hard for you. But the sooner you admit you are irreversibly worthless, the sooner you can accept and make peace with yourself. And the sooner we can work together to figure out a plan.

Amy: …

Dr. Seussicide: …

Amy: …

Dr. Seussicide: Take all the time you need Amy. I understand this is a lot to process, we can continue whenever you feel ready.

Amy: …

Dr. Seussicide: …

Amy: …isn’t there medicine?

Dr. Seussicide: Amy, we are far past hope at this stage.

Amy: But… all I wanted was to see my kid’s football games…

Dr. Seussicide: I know Amy, it’s unfair. Which is precisely why no one can help you. Because the world isn’t fair.

Amy: …ok, what do we do now?

Dr. Seussicide: Rope or train?

Amy: …what?

Dr. Seussicide: Well running in front of a train is more lethal, but you’re already enough of a piece of shit for killing yourself nevermind giving a poor chap PTSD as you exit, you’re too cowardly to run in front of a train anyway.

Hanging is a bit finicky, you want to cut off your bloodstream rather than asphyxiation. Especially since you don’t have access to anywhere high enough to do a proper drop hang properly, so your struggling could dislodge the noose. But it should get the job done regardless.

Amy: But… I… you said earlier this was about stopping my pain!

Dr. Seussicide: Amy dear, this is inevitable. Look at me. We both know you’re going to kill yourself sooner or later. So we might as well get it over with sooner, because everything later is the same constant misery which drove you here. Hope will merely draw out what was predetermined, so what, you can live that high-life of depression for a couple extra decades?

You’re right Amy, you’ll be nothing if your grades slip, because you already are nothing - what will you have suffered once you finally lose the ability to be aware of your nothingness?

Amy: …fine, I’ll take some pills late at night; which do you recommend?

Dr. Seussicide: Oooh look at ‘Miss Attention Whore’ over here! What, do you think you’ll find happiness through other people’s pity? Even if you could, all that’d make you is a selfish bitch who deserves nothing. But do you really believe that people will think of you even a week after you’re dead? What, your memory lives on in the teachers who already don’t register your existence? Or in the friends who you stay with out of convenience?

No, nobody cares about you. So when you wake up in that hospital bed with your stomach pumped; know that every word of condolence you receive is to make themselves feel good - not genuine care

Amy: WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS? SHUT UP, SHUT THE FUCK UP. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

Dr. Seussicide: I understand if you’re upset, but this hospital has a rigid policy against abusive language being used against staff.

You came for my help, and this is the thanks I get? If you’re so ungrateful I’ll leave you to your worthlessness if this is how you wish to treat me. I’m sorry if I’m blunt at times, but how else am I to break through the delusions you fool yourself with? I’m being harsh for your own benefit.

Amy: …i’m sorry…

Dr. Seussicide: …and?

Amy: ..?

Dr. Seussicide: ‘Doctor Seussicide, you were right all along’

Amy: …doctor seussicide you were right all along

Dr. Seussicide: ‘I will never doubt your insight and benevolence again’

Amy: i will.. Never doubt your insight and benevolence again

Dr. Seussicide: And I couldn’t live without you

Amy: and i couldn’t live without you

Dr. Seussicide: Dr. Seussicide: Here’s a prescription for that rope, unfortunately there’s an additional fee as it isn’t covered by your insurance.

Thank you for visiting today Amy, I’ll drop in and check up on you in about two weeks time, stay safe!

Walking out her mind was blank, in that blissful peace of silence - walking out with a firm grasp on the doctor's prescription. She was committed, it wasn’t even a question of what she wanted, but solely that she had it predetermined. She wasn’t scared, nor was she particularly joyful - but everything became that little bit brighter. She had a purpose, the one purpose which hopelessness and self-depreciation couldn’t shatter. A final answer to the question of why anything matters - that shortly it no longer could.

- Benjamin Steer

Contact at: steer432@gmail.com