3rd year blues

It came to me so clearly

I have changed. The me of the last two years is now gone after all those regrets, mistakes, and bottled-up emotions finally crept up to me and engulfed my entire being. The urge to overcompensate my loneliness complex by trying to befriend everyone and anyone is gone, the impulsivity to join every social event is nowhere to be felt, and the tendency to try to fit in with everyone has all but faded away.

A rude awakening fit for someone who was deeply slumbering.

I entered 3rd year with the expectation of finally being true to myself. No more wearing a mask, no more confusion about who my actual friends are, and no more superficial interactions with people that ultimately go nowhere. Little did I know that I will have to face the hardship of doing so: burned bridges, failed attempts at relationships, and the consequences of my past actions finally catching up to me, costing me so much more than I could ever imagine.

Jimi Hendrix’s Voodoo Child: People are weirder and more complex than I thought

I said I didn't mean to take up all your sweet time

I'll give it right back one of these days

The first change that I noticed is that, after I started investing more in connecting with people deeply, I get to know them better than ever before. Sounds pretty good, right? Well not quite, I didn’t expect that many people would have varying levels of difficult boundaries, emotional baggage, and other issues that I have never had to deal with before. I felt comforted, because I realized that everyone has their own struggles and I’m not alone anymore, but I was also overwhelmed because of how many of these deepened relationships just end up in disaster; either they end up hating a part of me, or they just cannot make being with me work. Of course, I tried to make it work, but since I was being true to myself and wasn’t stretching myself thinly to accommodate people anymore, it failed in many occasions. While this experience was quite emotionally straining, I got to understand better the complexity, and the inherent beauty, of people. I used to think that people were an easy done deal; I just talk to them and they talk to me, but that mentality only limited me to shallow connections. Now, I think I have learned enough to identify my people; those who can accept and understand my being, and whose being I can accept and understand also.

Elvis Presley’s Hound Dog: Friendship Complex

Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit

And you ain't no friend of mine

To be very honest, the reason why this change happened in the first place is because I had a crisis of friendship. I found it perplexing that after 2 years here in Durham and getting to know so many people, I came out of it not having a clear idea of who my close friends actually are. After an extensive period of soul-searching and deep conversations with various people, I can proudly say that I have managed to identify who my close friends are. However, that still begs a big question: what about the rest of the people? What do they mean to me? After some more thought, I realized that 80% of the people I know are realistically people who just say hi to me when they meet me….that’s about it. I used to consider all of them as friends, but now I see the glaring flaw in that line of thinking: I probably mean nothing to them, and even worse, they probably mean nothing to me, too (if I respected them enough, I should’ve just stayed away instead of making them think that I cared). Thinking back, my past self was ridiculous; ain’t no way you can befriend ALL of them, right? I'm not saying that interactions with them weren't good, I just don't know why I tried to sacrifice so much of myself to accommodate for them when we barely interact anyways.

Now, I can say that I am actively working on this using all of the lessons learned from the aforementioned deeper connections. I finally can say that I now know who to devote my time to and focus on.

Robert Johnson’s Me And The Devil : Living with the consequences

And I said, "Hello, Satan,"

I believe it's time to go."

An ominous hunch that I had before coming back to Durham for 3rd year is that, with this change, I won’t be able to relate to my past self anymore, and hence the blind spots that I had before have become clear as day to me. People have an image or expectation of what I would be doing, and that disturbs me to the core. I mean, I can’t really pinpoint the blame on anyone; I really was like that for the past 2 years, and knowing a lot of people means increasing the chance of leaving enough of an impression for them to take notice of my life anyways. I can say that the impression that people have about me has actually strained some of my attempts at connecting deeply with people this year, as if there is now a bias against me in people’s eyes. Looking back, me becoming an extreme social butterfly was akin to a deal with the devil that I blindly took up. I was stupid enough to think that Durham is large enough that what I do wouldn't really matter, but I was so wrong. Now, the devil has come to honor the deal; I am living the consequences of my actions everyday: through interactions with people, regretful intrusive thoughts, and odd encounters that remind me of who I once was.

So, what now?

While I am grateful to have met so many amazing people and learned so many lessons during the past 2 years, I am determined to not repeat my mistakes again. I can confidently say that I am now committed to chasing high quality relationships at the expense of quantity. Pooh, the overly extroverted social butterfly is no more. In fact, I’m already reaping the rewards of doing so: I was hanging out with 2 of the boys in my room today, and I have never felt so healed and connected since forever.

If you cared enough about what I had to say to read up to this part:

Thank you for reading :)